Terrasidius Petronius REX IMPERATOR

Hi all, just a wee blog to say I’m back after a little break, added a bunch of new (and reworkings of old) posts. J

I’m sitting at a bus shelter in Doune on a sunny winter morning having just been kicked out my date’s house by her large, pissed off, rather doting father. I’m tired, hungry, cold and very hung-over. I am trying to arrange a meeting with one of my mates in Stirling with no luck, apart from charlotte who is insisting on hearing every detail; so I switch my phone off and try to find a shop that sells good coffee and tobacco. On the way Mojo, who has been in stasis since I got thrown out, gives me my first jolt of energy of the day.

“My Maaaaan!”

“Good morning. Don’t start your shit; not at the moment.”

“I wasn’t going to; I like what you’re doing. It seems the planets are playing your side now.”

Mojo liked to act the middle man between me and the astrological powers that be.

I found a store that was open and got my coffee and smokes and headed back to the bus shelter. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the mist was rising off the fall grass in the quaint little town I had ended up in; it was a nice backdrop to the pain in my head; I would have to get some Zydol (very effective pain killers) from Niall.

On the half hour bus ride into town I was overcome by an incredible feeling of peace as I watched the beautiful countryside pass by. Mojo was being very chilled and accommodating; he was usually very excitable.

“Yo! I like her man. I think you may have finally not screwed up here.”

“Yeah I know; she’s somethin’ else right?” I agreed

“True man. She’s very assertive; just like us. I think Mastertape likes her as much as I do; which can only be a good thing.”

“Yeah Mastertapes taking the morning off okay? Don’t start screwing around with him.”

“Christ on a bike. You really have no faith in me at all.” He said dryly.

“Yeah well he’s in reflective mode right now; trying to remember stuff from last night. He doesn’t need you playing ‘Think with The Little General’ right now.”

Mojo went silent but violent on me.

When I get to Stirling and sort myself out with some sausage rolls and coffee I find a bench with sunlight shining on it and start going over the previous night.

I remembered meeting her at a bar with my mate then having a few drinks. My mate made his excuses and left and we started talkin for a while. We then went to have steak at an American theme restraunt; where we drank more booze; two pitchers of slippery nipple I think. Then we headed to a karaoke bar for some singing and more drink. We sang Hold me; Thrill me; Kiss me; Kill me by U2. I remember by the time we started to go to the next bar / club we were pretty gassed. We got to The Yard and had a few games of pool and more drink. I remember feeling the whole night comfortable with her and talking with her easy; which was something I hadn’t felt in a while. Mojo was relaxed and not trying to invade the rapport we had.

“Let’s go back to mine baby.” She said seductively.

Mojo went crazy when he heard that; like clockwork he kicked in with a vengeance on sensual mode.

“Sure” I said kissing her lips and neck.

Mojo was trying hard to contain his physical manifestation by this point. I could almost hear him scream ‘YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHH!!’

We headed back to the little town outside Stirling and went to a wee pub when we got there and got yet more drunk; it was a quaint, oldie type pub with a warm atmosphere. We sat in the back and made out for most of our time there; I kissed her neck and caught the scent of her hair and fragrance; I wanted to jump her right there. Or rather Mojo did.

“Damn right!” He added.

I remember going back to her house and waiting at her window for about 15 minutes while she got a sleeping bag and some dope. We were going to a small bird watching cabin far into the woods, near a small lake. It took about ten minutes to get there in the dark; the stars were out and I was amazed at how beautiful they were much to the annoyance of Christine who had me by the hand and pulled me every time I stopped to gaze a while. I was wasted by this point. We got to the cabin and made a packed joint which ensured our trip back would be a hard one. We then had sex. Mojo was in his element, albeit a bit wasted; Mastertape just wasn’t functioning properly. After our passionate if not clumsy romp we got the giggles which lasted a long time.

“What are we smoking?” I asked.

“Grass babe.” She laughed.

 We headed back to hers; where she climbed in the window and I took five minutes to get in because I couldn’t stop laughing. Eventually I got in and we undressed each other and tried to make love even though I was fucked beyond belief. We then had a short sleep cause it was about five in the morning.

“What website are we in?” I ask barely conscious.

“Huh? Time to get up honey.” She said.

Then her father appeared and that’s all I remember.

I head up to Nialls for Zydol, a cup of Lady Grey and a chat then head home with a different perspective for Mastertape to mull over.

I was lying in bed after a really heavy night when I was awakened suddenly by the usual deep, pimplike voice.

“Hey man! Get your lazy ass out of bed and get to the toilet!” Said Mojo

I slowly opened my eyes and groaned for about a minute.

“Oh man…”

“Yeah. ‘Oh man’. You know what you did last night?”

“Its too early Mojo.”

“Sheeeit! To early my ass! I feel fine.” Mojo mocked

“I need a fag and a cup of Earl Grey.”

“Don’t you forget to take a piss now!”

I got up and done my business then hobbled down stairs to get some tea and painkillers. Mojo liked painkillers.

“Hey man!” Yelled Mojo.

“Jesus are you still up?! Fuck off and let me get chilled huh?”

Mojo got the point and calmed down. I got myself Ghandi with some painkillers Earl Grey and a rollup. I had been out with the guys last night to the Fubar. With the information slowly coming back to me I put together a good night; we had got drunk and stoned then went to the club. It was hazy beyond that point.

“Yo!”

“What is it Mojo?”

“Don’t you ever think about why you do what you do?” Asked Mojo

“I know why I do what I do.”

“Oh you’re the smarty art Mofo huh?” He laughed

“My Venus and Mars are both in Aries and a lot of my planets are in Sagittarius.”

“Yeah, its that element of surprise and pure lust isn’t it? Well that’s bullshit! I’m the reason your getting your hole buddy boy; and don’t you forget it!”

“Mojo. Just chill o.k.?”

He was like this sometimes, all arrogant and loudmouthed; especially when I had a hangover. The painkillers would chill him right out and he would be more accommodating. Then I would be able to write something or shoot some stuff with the camera.

Later that night I was on the p.c downloading some tunes after talkin with niall about last night. Apparently I pulled some crazy chick who wanted sex ‘outside in five minutes!’. Why do I do that? I asked myself. Just then Mojo started again.

“I’ll tell you why. Cause you are a man, and a mans gonna be a man. Relationships don’t come into the equation with you; you’re a fuckin hunter!”

Mojo was beginning to piss me off so I thought I’d rub him up the wrong way.

I got out the Vaseline and clicked on ‘Santa Clause and his Crimbo Ho Ho Ho’s!’

“Yo man! What you doin!?”

“You know it.”

“NOOOOOOOOO!”

“Scream if you want to; aint nobody gonna hear.”